Your smile and grin
And God said...
God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him. "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
"What does a clock do when it is still hungry?"
It goes back four seconds."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
There are many "Linked Pages" below, that will Tickle your Funny Bone.
These joke are CLEAN enough to tell a Pastor!
Is a page of Humor that explains to us guys what you women really are saying!
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"You don't stop laughing when you grow old,
You grow old when you stop laughing!"
THE BAPTIST BARBER SHOP
After forty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough.
He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him from now on. He went to the shop, which was owned by the pastor of their Baptist church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day so she performed the task.
Grace shaved him, sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought it a bit high, but paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning he looked in the mirror, and his face was just as smooth as it had been when he left the barber-shop the day before. "Not bad," he thought. "At least I don't need to get a shave today."
The next morning the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, still smooth! It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
"Of course they haven't," she replied. "You were shaved by Grace."
"Once shaved, always shaved."
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and
the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer,
"I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews
in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says "No Mexican Jews!"
Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "We have orange Jews,
prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!!!"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, and broke it,
but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag, and tore it to shreds,
but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls, and flung them into the woods,
but still did not say one word..
Finally he muttered,
"I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied...
The local church down the street hired a new preacher.
On his first Sunday, he preached for about 10 minutes and was finished.
All the people said, "Wow! He's good! Short and to the point! We like this guy!"
On the second Sunday, he preached for about 30 minutes.
All the people said, "OK. That was a good sermon. That's what we're use too. He's OK."
On Sunday number three, he went on for almost three hours!
The people were upset. They told the deacon board, "We don't like this!
Find out what the problem is or we'll have to FIRE him!"
So the deacons had a meeting with the preacher. And they asked him what was going on.
The preacher replied...
On the first Sunday, I had just gotten some new dentures on Friday and my mouth was really sore. So I couldn't talk long.
On the second Sunday, I was much better, with no discomfort, and preached like I normally do.
Well, this past Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures, and I couldn't quit talking!
Three boys are in the schoo l yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
A preacher was having problems keeping the attention of one parishioner. Every Sunday morning, about halfway through the sermon, the man would fall fast asleep. After several weeks of this annoying behavior, the preacher got an idea.
The next Sunday morning, he gave the gentleman the opportunity to get good and asleep. The preacher stopped his sermon and in a very loud voice said, "Everyone who wants to go to hell (yelling) STAND UP."
The man immediately jumped up from the pew, looked around the building, then back at the preacher. "I don't know what you said, preacher, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister replies, "Just water."
The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
Fred was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Fred looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"
"Happy Birthday Elsie"
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home Of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "they're really big!"
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.
"They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,
"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
Penny, a good Assessment nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done. Her husband asked, "Was the patient that bad?"
Penny said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this."
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter 'R,' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: 'Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, 'Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.'
How Much is a Sermon Worth?
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
"When you're young is the time to learn to laugh at trouble -- so you'll have something to laugh at when you are old."
Pastor Dunn's Wife
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
Who Are You?
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. “I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really blasted and had a wild time on the pool table?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren ... and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier. At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it." The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
A pastor loved to play golf. One Sunday the pastor looked out the window and saw it was a beautiful day, just right for playing a round of golf. He called his assistant pastor to take over the services for the day. He told his assistant that he had to visit a sick friend in a distant town. After he put his golf clubs into his car he drove 50 miles to a golf coarse where he knew there wouldn't be anyone who would know him. He drove back roads so he wouldn't meet any of his flock on the way to the links.
One of Gods angels saw what the pastor had done and asked God what He was going to do about it. God told his angel that He was going to have the pastor get a hole-in-one. The angel was surprised and asked God how that would be a punishment for the pastor.
God answered him "Who's he going to tell?"
Them Ohio Women
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and Ohio. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing?"demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed out the gal from Ohio
Guess Which One I'm Going to Marry
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry. "She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
No offense intended here but I found this kind of cute.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, October 14. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Library Lost and Found
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call for help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue."
"Always remember the first rule of public speaking: Be brief, no matter how long it takes."
God Bless the Goobers of the World
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two goobers show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the goobers, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the goobers doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other goober and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The goober replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him."
"HEY NEIL! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Time to go home
The temperature had taken an overnight plunge, and Minnesota reaffirmed its reputation as one of the nation's coldest states. Despite a wind-chill of minus 40, the steelworkers erecting a TV tower in a Minneapolis, St. Paul suburb, showed up for work. By 9 A.M., a tall Texan climbed down from the tower and entered the office trailer. He took his lunch pail from the shelf and headed for the door.
"What's up?" the foreman asked. "You sick?"
"Nope," the Texan replied. "Goin' home to get my jacket."
"Where's home?" the foreman persisted.
"Dallas," he said.
Most Famous Man
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What on earth are those?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
New York City
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood.
About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk.
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
The United Way
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful businessman.
A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The businessman thinks for a moment and says, "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the businessman’s voice rising in indignation. "Leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The businessman then says, "and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
"High Blood Pressure"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she measures
only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure
and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams.
"When I came in here, I was tall and slender,
and now I'm short and fat!"
Oneliner...."What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase."
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they were close enough to hear, the old poodle says... "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of the story...
Don't mess with us old coots...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Brilliance and wisdom only come with age and experience.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm DEAD!
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?" "Beef tongue," replies the butcher! The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two suspicious looking men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
The Diner with the Pastor
Once there was a woman that had invited her pastor to dinner. While the husband was sun tanning in a private garden, his wife told him to entertain the pastor if he showed up early. She said she had to run to Wal-Mart to get a quick dessert, and may be a 10-15 minuets late in returning. Well, as luck would have it, the man lost track of time, and the pastor showed up early.
The pastor knocked on the door several times, but the man, could not answer, as he was "stuck" in the garden wearing only a towel. The Pastor, not seeing a car in the driveway, thought no one was home. So he left his Business card in the door. On the card, he wrote "Revelation 3:20 ~Pastor Mark.
For those needing scripture:
Revelation 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me
Well, needless to say, the wife was upset that her husband could not do a simple thing like "keep track of time". The husband reminded the wife that the invitation was from her, and she should have been there. Looking at the business card, he told her not to worry, as he would take care of the matter.
The following Sunday, the husband took the card and placed it on to the Offering Plate. On the back on the card he added "Genesis 3:10"~ Mr Jones
For those needing scripture: Genesis 3:10 He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."
Born a Baptist
A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics were driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks.
The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded.
They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled Holy Water on the man
while saying, "Born a Baptist, Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!"
The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue once again drifted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist's house to remind him of his new diet.
They found him standing over the cooking steaks, sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
"Knowing the Numbers"
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher.
"Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A Jack, then a Queen" says the little boy.
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'.
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
A sign of the times...
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up. "I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."
Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed his wife's inflamed appendix a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.
"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
A consultant was driving his new BMW along a county road and came upon a shepherd herding his flock. He thought he'd have some fun with the old shepherd so he roared up in a cloud of dust. He stepped out of his car wearing an Armoni suit, Gucci shoes and Revo sunglasses, then he said to the shepherd: ``I've got a proposition for you. If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The sheep herder though for a moment, and calmly said: “Sure, why not?”
So the guy parked his car, whips out his IBM Think-Pad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds the NASA Web site. Using the site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area. Next he opens a database and an Excel spreadsheet and after a few minutes, he prints out a report on his portable printer. He then turned to the shepherd and said, `You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
Impressed and a little stunned the shepherd said; “That’s right, guess you'll have to take one of my sheep with you.” He watched as the young man selects one of his animals and bundles it into his car. Then the shepherd got an idea; “Hold on a minute young man." "If I can tell you exactly what your line of business is, how about you give me back my animal?” “That sounds fair, why not?” “You're a consultant.” “That’s right! But how did you guess that?” `There was no guessing required. You turned up here with all sorts of fancy stuff nobody needs, you expected compensation for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know absolutely nothing about my business. Now, give me back my dog.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandmentswith her five and six year ol ds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
"Everyone is a fool for at least five minutes each day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
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